Episode 2: You’re Worth The Effort of Existence!
Episode Notes:
Heads up! The audio is kind of crunchy in this one. I’ve finally placed an order for my podcast mic!
Some thoughts on how I'm existing and maintaining my mental health these days (recorded on 11.16.2024—post 2025-election results).
Resources mentioned:
Affirmations for Black Men playlist by Judy Miranda Bush and Oscar Bush
Walking Meditation | 10-minute Guided Meditation | As You Are by As You Are Meditation
Willow Rising:
Hi, welcome to the Gender the Journey podcast. I'm your host, Willow Rising. I use they them pronouns, and I'm a gender fluid trans human and non-binary also works for me, but really I am gender fluid through and through. Taken me a lot to be able to say that and to get to that place I have in my own gender exploration. Oscillated hard. I think in we could say either direction and also outside of either direction. In my quest to find myself and understand myself, I am doing this podcast fast and move. There's no script. There are ideas and my voicemails, and that is what each episode is. So far. I am really excited that I do have guests that I will be interviewing, and I'm really looking forward to that as I have been really thinking about what even is this? What is this podcast? What are we exploring? What I want to propose is let's have conversations about gender specifically in the black community. Let's have conversations about queerness. Let's have conversations and create space for curiosity around what it takes to be embodied in the here and now. It is November 16th, 2024. Saturday at 7:45 PM Eastern Standard Time right now. I am not looking forward to 2025 in Trump’s fucking America.
I am so trans that I just can't, I can't and I just do not want to. And my mental health has been simultaneously because of therapy tanking and also strengthening and evening out, and I've been learning a lot and releasing a lot of trauma, which I'm happy to say it's actually fucking possible. I did not always believe that that could be the case, but my body has genuinely been feeling so much better because of traumatic therapy. Even though, and even still, there are many tough days. There are so many days where it's just fucking tough to be high. And I think that's what I want to talk about on this podcast as well, just how to make it through the fucking day to day. I started this YouTube series called Let's Face the Day, and I think I put the first video up on the day after the election when the results were announced or not, when the results were announced, but when it was pretty clear, I felt like I had already needed a lot to wake up in the morning and to feel enthused about the day.
(03:29)
And then just seeing that I was just like, fuck it, fuck every fuck. But I know enough to know that I want to live. I know that I want to exist. I know that I feel so grateful to be alive. I didn't always, I did not always, and there are so many reasons for that. One of them is definitely because I didn't have peace tea. I really like being on tea. It has helped me come into my body, the changes that have come as a result of it, largely honestly, with my voice. I really like my voice now. I really hated it. Before I hated it. Oh my God, what a bright sound that I just couldn't deal with. It was before. And my prescription's running low, and that is a concern that I have. What is it going to take for me to get my prescription?
(04:38)
Insurance is always a little weird, but I do have insurance and I think that once I figure out the paperwork and all that stuff, talk to my doctor and whatever, get a doctor, talk to my doctor and figure all that out, I think I'll be all right. I think I've seen a lot of people talking about other ways of getting their testosterone gel or estrogen, and I really encourage you to prepare for that in whatever way that you need. If you're listening to this and somebody who uses hormones is before 2025. So I think that whatever you need to do to feel like you have what you need, please do that for yourself. You are so worth that care. You are so worth the time it takes to figure out what you need to exist, and so I hope that you can do that.
(05:47)
I think I'll end this by saying thank you for doing the labor that it takes to exist. I know for me, existing is exhausting. I'm so happy these days genuinely, truly so happy. There's so much I have to be grateful for. There's so much that I am grateful for. There's so much I'm appreciative of, and yet waking up is so hard at times. Doing the maintenance of every day is so hard at times, and it's so justifiably hard, and so something that has been helpful for me has been holding space for the knee that needs to throw a temper tantrum when I feel a way about something or when I just don't have the energy. And then also picking myself up again, remembering that I'll be all right, I will figure it out. I am supported. And then also switching shit up, switching shit up, literally getting dressed, going outside, going on a walk, remembering that there are other people in the world, remembering that the sun is shining, that the air on my face feels really good, and taking a moment to enjoy and appreciate nature, even when living in a city, taking a moment to just be near the tree or just to look at them and to connect with them is really, really helpful.
(07:36)
I'm going to share a link. I'll share it in the notes to a thing called a walking meditation. It is a white person saying it, so there is that. I'll respect if that's not your thing, if you do not want to listen to it, totally get that. It is something that I referred to when I just really needed something. I went on a walk and I listened to this audio for a walking meditation, and it was pretty nice. It helped me. I have ADHD, and so my mind is always going. I'm just always thinking really fast and I sometimes have difficulty prioritizing my thoughts. So for me, walking and doing this meditation was such a big help. I actually really, really liked it. And so that's something that I turned to when I just need something.
(08:37)
This also brings to mind other affirmation, things that I've been doing. I'll share some other links. There's this Black men affirmation playlist on Spotify that's actually really dope. It has some really good music. I really, really like it. It's not all necessarily speaking to black men. Some of it is more so geared to black women and black people. Overall, I really like it. The vibe of the music is different with every song, and sometimes I'll just play that when I'm in the shower and I'll just put that music on and it's just nice. It's just really, really affirming. And it's funny because it reminds me of my dad in good ways. I do not have a relationship with my father anymore, but it brings me back to childhood when he was the kind of person that always got up. Well, not always, not always, definitely not always, but that when he was in his rhythm, he would get up and pray and put worship music on and just he'd get really, really amped.
(09:50)
And so I saw his devotional practice in my childhood and I think that served as a bit of an anchor and a little bit of a grounding for me to witness my father doing something like that in the morning and amping himself up and speaking life into himself As a kid, I really saw him lead the type of example that I wanted to see. And I really loved finding this Black Man affirmations playlist because it felt like I got to take a piece of my childhood and bring it into my now, and that feels so healing and restorative, and it makes me appreciate my childhood, even though there are moments of pain as well from my childhood.
(10:57)
But as an adult now I get to rewrite my narrative. I get to redefine how I relate to my story and my being, and that feels challenging, and also something I'm really, really proud of and thankful that I get to do. Thank you for listening. This has been episode two of Gender As A Journey.
If you have any comments, this is a show on Spotify that allows the comments, so please do comment, follow the show. This is going to be fast and loose and fun and free, and so if you've got ideas or questions or things that you want to know about, please ask and I will consider it. Alright, thanks so much. Hope you have a really good day.